Wednesday06 November 2024
kriminal-tv.in.ua

"I’m mature enough to handle your grief." How death doulas support families in Ukraine during times of loss.

A cheerful young woman with red hair picks up a bell. A deep sound resonates, reminiscent of the tones produced by Tibetan singing bowls. The woman’s expression shifts to one of focus and seriousness. She connects to Zoom. On the other side of the screen is another woman, weary and sorrowful.
«Я зрелая, чтобы поддержать тебя в горе». Как функционируют доулы смерти в Украине.
«Я достаточно взрослая, чтобы выдержать твое горе». Как работают доулы смерти в Украине

“What brought you to me?” — the first one asks.

The second one can’t hold back her tears.

“I am big enough and old enough to bear your sorrow. Tell me, what happened to you?” — the redhead smiles faintly and listens.

The woman on the other side of the screen shares that her husband died in the war. She cannot let him go, feels that she is not living. But she must, because of the children.

“I understand that this conversation won’t save me, won’t heal me, but I want to stop drowning. I want to push off from the bottom,” — she pleads.

The women talk for an hour, then another.

As they say goodbye, the sad one says: “You gave me an answer. You seemed to have allowed me to live.” Her face has relaxed, softened.

The first one picks up the bell again and immerses herself in the sound. This is how she “closes the door” on her client’s story.

The redhead’s name is Daria Bondar, she is 34 years old, and she is a death doula.

«Я достаточно взрослая, чтобы выдержать твое горе». Как работают доулы смерти в Украине0

Who are doulas and what do they do?

In times of war, the number of deaths around is so overwhelming that it’s unbearable to imagine. Everyone who has experienced loss needs support. Some compare their grief with friends, some with psychologists, and some seek a death doula.

The word “doula” has ancient Greek origins and translates to “servant.” This is how women who assisted in childbirth were once called. In the modern world, they emerged as birth doulas — trained helpers who emotionally and physically support women during pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum. They do not interfere with the medical sphere in any way. They can give a woman a foot massage, bake apples for her, breathe together to balance her state, etc.

In the early 2000s in the USA, one of the nurses in a hospice where elderly patients spent their last days noticed that, despite good professional care, they were lonely and lacked support. There arose a need for specialists who would accompany people as they die. They could talk to them, hold their hand, help draft a will or a list of achievements in life — create conditions for a calm and dignified departure. Moreover, these specialists could support those in acute grief who lost loved ones. To be, even for a short time, the person who empathizes and knows what to do.

This is how end-of-life doulas emerged and the program by which they are trained. In Ukraine, this is a young profession: there are not many doulas yet, they do not have a community, and people learn about them through recommendations.

Lawyer Daria Bondar received professional certification after training as a death doula in the USA. Similarly, her colleague, 34-year-old Elena Tkatch, who was previously a translator and communicator. Both fundamentally refused to train in a Russian-speaking course founded by one of the already professional doulas for post-Soviet countries.

Daria's husband is a veteran with an amputation, while Elena's boyfriend was injured. She herself is a volunteer and constantly organizes fundraisers for the Armed Forces of Ukraine.

“I do not share the values of those who believe ‘there is no difference whom to work with,’ referring to Russian widows. I do not call them colleagues and openly condemn them,” — says Elena.

«Я достаточно взрослая, чтобы выдержать твое горе». Как работают доулы смерти в Украине1

What do people seek from Ukrainian doulas?

Both women faced the reality that Ukrainian circumstances differ from what they were prepared for. In Ukraine, their services are hardly in demand among those who are in their last days or among their relatives. However, the number of clients who are grappling with despair from losses in the war is growing: this includes those who have lost pets, cities, and their accustomed lives.

Unlike psychologists, who work with trauma and guide people toward change, doulas do not heal or therapize. They offer support, compassion, and a way out that people cannot see due to their pain. In death doula sessions, they mainly remain silent but are fully present with maximum attention and empathy.

“Once, a woman asked me to be with her while she spoke about the loss of Mariupol, its streets, her childhood there, her home, her career. Everything she had built and what the enemies took away. It felt like a violation in her body,” — shares Daria.

Another time, a girl came to her after experiencing sexual violence.

Elena receives inquiries mainly from relatives of soldiers, whose wounds from loss are fresh, as well as questions regarding prisoners or those missing in action.

“These are widows, fiancées, friends. One category is women who were not officially married to the deceased men. Society believes that widows have a greater right to grief, while ‘you were just dating him, you are nobody.’

I have an acquaintance whose close friend was killed by Russians. She saw him off to the front, planned to have him as a godfather for her children. The woman forbade herself to grieve. That man has a girlfriend, and she herself has a fiancé. It’s like, only wives, daughters, mothers, and sisters can grieve. And when you are just a friend, not everyone understands. She asked for help to figure out how to live with this, how to cope,” — Elena tells about her clients.

They discussed with her acquaintance how to legitimize her grief. In particular, about the fact that she could write about her friend on social media, because when a person keeps the memory of someone, it is a form of mourning. She could plant a tree and put up a plaque, organize a military fundraiser. There are many options, and surprisingly, people show a lot of creativity in these matters.

“Often, young people need just one session to legitimize their grief. And this is the most common request,” — notes Elena.

A session with a doula usually lasts up to two hours, sometimes even two and a half — until the person has expressed themselves. They can be held online — for those who are far away; they can be in-person: in an office, at the doula's home, in a park — wherever the person feels comfortable. Prices range from 2,000 to 3,000 hryvnias per session.

Daria sometimes offers online consultations for those who cannot afford to pay, while Elena provides discounts for military families.

Exploitation by fraudsters

The field of doulas in Ukraine is actively developing, but it is currently unregulated.

Daria describes it this way: “Americans think we are lucky because the lack of a system is an opportunity to build it from the ground up for the people.”

But while there is no system, what should be done? In response to an inquiry from the editorial office, the Ministry of Health stated that “there is no such profession or position in Ukraine. Therefore, the Ministry of Health cannot comment within its jurisdiction on the activities of such specialists.”

Psychologist and psychotherapist Natalia Shestak is “wholeheartedly” in favor of doulas: “No one taught us how to leave life, how to grieve for the loss of loved ones. Therefore, we had traumas even before the war. And now, with so many deaths, we need many people who would be there. And if those people become doulas, so be it. They support, they are emotionally stable, and they are ready to handle strong feelings. They can be pillars.

I do not see them as competitors. A psychologist and a doula cannot replace each other. We are united because we listen to the person, give them a safe space, and do not judge them. But our tasks do differ. And if a doula knows their boundaries and ethical norms, I welcome and support this profession.”

The psychologist is confident that doulas will be able to take on the burden from other specialists in counseling trauma and grief.

Lawyer Stanislav Liflyanchik sees no harm in the existence of such a profession, even though it is not officially recognized: “If there is a demand for it, then it has a right to exist. The main thing is for the person to register their business and choose the appropriate KVEDs.”

Both lawyer Liflyanchik and psychiatrist Yevgeny Skripnik see a legal problem in the fact that fraudsters may pose as doulas or other grief assistants. Somewhere, they might exploit a vulnerable person in grief, and that person could sign over their apartment.

“The overall idea is good: we are at war, many people find themselves alone with grief, and few know how to comfort them